Super Collyer brothers, is it easier to be
up and up and in than down and out on the street?
hurry up, pay your bills so you can give me a ring
I need your reasonable voice of insanity

it's time to make decisions, it's time for coffee or tea
with the wrench in the parlor or the French guillotine
and could anyone ever convince you to believe
that the rats are your first and foremost enemies?

Homer & Langley:
"Brother, did you get the paper?"
"I thought I'd wait till later."
"Well check the 'frigerator!"
"The one with lion's feet?"
"Yes! I think the foie-gras's rotting,"
"The debt collector's prodding,"
"And all of Harlem's plotting:"
"Perhaps we should retreat."

"Last night I thought I saw something--"
"But, brother, you cannot see..."
"The slight suggestion of spying"
"Perhaps from the street."
"I mean, I'm sure it was nothing, when it's just you and me..."

"I think I'll have a sit down!"
"Not that chair, it's the bad one!"
"Wait, what was wrong with this one?"
"Look out its--" (Langley gets booby-trapped) "...I told you!"
"The lint trap needs a dusting."
"The rat trap needs adjusting."
"Perhaps we just need some air..."
"You can't make me go out there!"

"Last night I thought I saw something--"
"But, brother, you cannot see!"
"The strong suggestion of spying."
"Perhaps from the street?"
"We can't pretend it was nothing, when it's you, rats, and me..."

"A hundred oranges a day..."
"...won't keep the doctor away."
"We've no more pianos to play:"
"The keys have rotted away"
both:
"Avoid the dread conclusion,
Know every trap's solution
Or heavy retribution
Awaits the both of us, awaits the both of us.
Always the both of us!"

(Langley is crushed to death by a booby trap. The brothers proceed to invincibility.)

Last night I thought I heard something from the house down the street
The nibble nibble of gnawing, perhaps those two creeps..
I mean, I'm sure it was nothing, didn't hear it from me.

(Ghost chorus:
"Viderunt Omnes!")

Rat chorus:
"Super Collyer brothers, is it easier to be
dead and dead and down, and now under six feet?
Thanks for eating those oranges, they made you taste so sweet!"